Brainspasms.com

This story is Copyright 2012 by Ash Bowers.
Published here with permission of the author.

Esmadine Glamp was a woman of some breeding.  Had she been born into a canine family she might have been called a mutt.  She was a simple woman who lived a simple life in a simple home, partly by choice, partly because of upbringing, but mostly because of the wildfires raging in the valley below.  It is not that she minded the fires so much, as they did keep the mosquitoes and mutants away, but they did sometimes keep her awake at night.

This particular morning began like all the rest, Esmadine awoke, put the revolver to her head, smiled and then failed to pull the trigger.  “Maybe tomorrow,” she giggled.

She looked at the calendar then exclaimed, “Oh!” as it was Sunday.  This was the day she enjoyed one of the few pleasures she had left, mimosas!  Thanks to the quick looting after the last of the bombs had gone off, she was well stocked with champagne and powered orange beverage.  Perhaps it wasn’t a real mimosa, but it was close enough for Esmadine.

As she enjoyed her breakfast beverage, she checked the stew pot.  “Almost empty, must check the traps,” she sang.  Esmadine gleefully loaded her shotgun, dressed for a cold day outside and headed out.  After a quick stop at the shed to collect some additional items, she skipped down the mountain pass.  Esmadine stopped, and was almost certain that she had heard a cry for help.   After a few moments she was sure that is what she had heard and quickened her pace.  She arrived shortly at a large hole in the road.  “Hello? Is anyone down there”, she yelled in a most musical tone.

“Please, please help us.  My friend is unconscious and I think he has a broken leg,” replied a man’s voice with an odd accent.

Esmadine peered over the edge and was surprised to see two soldiers in the hole.  “Why I never thought I would see another soldier!” she joyfully yipped.  “Here, tie this rope around your friend and I will pull him out.”

The soldier, slightly bewildered, replied “If you pull me up first I could help you.”

“Oh, I certainly don’t need any help. Now tie the rope around your friend,” she said again.

The soldier complied and watched in amazement as Esmadine quickly pulled his friend up and out of the hole.  A few moments later she yelled over the edge, “I’m dreadfully sorry your friend must have passed away only moments ago.  Here tie the rope around yourself.”  The soldier did as he was told.  Esmadine yelled out “cover your eyes so the dirt doesn’t get in them,” as she pulled a brick from her coat pocket.  Peering over the edge she threw the object right on target rendering the soldier unconscious.  Quickly she pulled him up and thought to herself, “double coupons on Sunday!” as she finished them both off.

As she laid down that night, her belly full of newly cooked stew she thought, “Perhaps tomorrow I will pull the trigger, yes, perhaps tomorrow.”